Shallow Waters

When I was about 13 years old I almost drowned. I went to the beach with my girlfriend’s family one summer day in California. We had a blowup raft that we turned sideways so we could both hang on it together and ride the waves to shore. We had lots of fun riding the waves and then paddling back out to sea. I don’t know if the waves started getting bigger or it was just one wave, but one time…the last time…the wave flipped us over. If felt like something was holding me under. As I struggled to get to the surface I discovered I was completely upside down and was going further under until I touch bottom with my hands. I finally turned myself around, put my feet on the bottom and pushed up hard to reach the surface. I barely gasped for air when another wave pulled me under again. I don’t know if my life flashed before me or not, but I do know I thought I was going to die. I was terrified. I don’t remember if my girlfriend had as much trouble as I did or if anyone on shore knew I was in trouble, but somehow I managed to get close enough to shore to drag myself out of the water.

I don’t think I have ventured into the ocean more than to get my feet wet since that day so long ago. For a long time I avoided deep water of any kind. I tend to stay in shallow waters. It just feels safer that way. I have gradually gained confidence to swim in deeper waters again, although I don’t swim very often anymore. There is greater pleasure swimming in deeper waters, but it is still a little scary for me.

I think I have been spending my life lately in shallow waters. I have been afraid to venture into deeper waters, because I’m afraid. A few years ago I almost drowned again. This time it wasn’t the ocean that held me captive, but life. Actually it was mostly a failed business. At first we were having fun riding the wave of being business owners. We didn’t notice the waves were getting bigger until one finally flipped us over and took us under. We tried to come up for air, but found ourselves hitting bottom over and over again. Occasionally we would grasp a breath only to be hit again by another wave.

During that time our conversations always centered on the business. These were deep conversations that talked about very serious issues. Yes, we prayed a lot, but our spirituality was still lacking. We never discussed gospel topics, only work. When we finally managed to get close enough to shore to drag ourselves out of the business entirely we were able to start talking about something besides work. At first we continued to retell our story, but eventually we were able to start letting it go.

However, now I find myself in shallow waters. We have avoided any deep conversations about much of anything. Our talk is shallow and light. It feels safer somehow. We are afraid to delve deeper into thought and conversation because of all the pain it might bring up. We know there are other waters that are deep and pleasurable to swim in. We have started to venture into those waters and explore depths in ourselves that have been long forgotten. Spirituality is coming back into our conversations, although we still tend to stay in shallow waters. It is easier to watch a movie then have a deep conversation. We know we would gain great pleasure swimming in deeper water, but still it is a little scary for me.